Healing From Relationship Trauma
Trauma as defined by the DSM-5 requires an event with “actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence” [10] (p. 271). In some circles of the trauma recovery world, we speak of Big T trauma and Little T traumas. The distress from a break up would be considered a Little T trauma. If you are in the throws of a recent split from your partner, the distress you feel is far from little. It can be all consuming and debilitating. You may have nightmares and momentary memories of your relationship, both good and bad. You may feel like you will never find love again and resent someone for being attracted to you.
How do you heal from this part of yourself that is overwhelmed and feeling like you are all alone? One way to begin the healing process is to find a qualified Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor [LCMHC] who specializes in Trauma Therapy. There are various modalities that help healing from trauma including; Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing [EMDR], Cognitive Processing Therapy [CPT], which is different from CBT [Cognitive Behavioral Therapy], and Internal Family Systems [IFS]. The list does not stop there and the reason this is true, is that may people experience traumas both Big T and Little T. It also holds that many therapists who work with with trauma clients, have also experienced trauma themselves, so to some degree, they get it. There are as many different ways to react to trauma as there are people who live it and as many ways to help heal as there are Counselors.
When you feel alone, and as if your tribe has vanished, working with someone who is not part of your trauma is a good place to start. With EMDR therapy, the client is asked to recall the trauma and rate their emotional distress from 1-10, 10 being the worst distress. Bilateral stimulation is then used to lower the distress. The process of watching the counselor’s hand going back and forth is one form of bilateral stimulation. Although they are not sure how it works, for some unknown reason, the stress level drops and go down to a level 2 or lower. The counselor and client talk between these short sets of bilateral stimulation, processing verbally details of the even arise. One more piece of EMDR includes exploring a negative thought that the client has attached to the memory of the trauma, such as, “It was my fault,” and then investigating what thought the client would rather have attached to the memory, such as, “There was nothing I could have done about this.” With help from the therapist, the client is able to lower the false belief that it was their fault and increase the belief that there really was nothing that could have been done to stop the trauma. The event is never erased from memory, however the physical visceral response to the memory decrease making it possible for the client to remember the event with less stress associated to it.
Internal Family Systems, IFS, is a system that can also help you heal from the trauma of a break up. Many feeling bubble up during and after a break up much like a storm in the distance. Each feeling or emotional state has its own voice. We can imagine these emotions as being one part of ourselves. When a break up is fresh, we may vacillate from being angry with our Ex to wanting to be back with them again and then feeling exhausted from all the feelings and just wanting the feelings to stop and get on with our lives. With IFS we can find our true Selves with a capital S. Our true Self has qualities such as compassion, curiosity, creativity and connectedness. Once we connect our angry part to ourselves, [Self] we are able to begin to listen to and appreciate this angry part, much in the same way a very kind parent can shower compassion over a troubled child. In IFS, no parts are bad and they are all welcome. No part is better than the other and the parts are not lesser than the Self. In IFS, we do not try to get rid of the parts, or blend them all into one. We venture to get to know about the parts in such a way that they have never before experienced. Once the part feels seen and heard by the Self, it can begin to show us where it came from, what it wants us to know and what it needs from us. In a very natural way we begin to experience less turmoil from the break up and are able to sit with compassion for our strong emotions making it possible for them to have a voice and with less suffering.
For more information see Trauma Therapy
