Relationship Problems and BPD
Did the love of your life leave you because you have BPD traits?
When something terrible happens, we can use the event to grow and evolve. We cannot control what others think or do, all we can do is control how we react. Those are two very standard counseling statements which may not feel very helpful in the moment, but they are both true.
Let’s take a look at each one. Evolving our souls when we survive a tragedy. The first question I like to ask myself when I have an emotion that I am not enjoying, is “what can I do about it?” Or “How can I look at this differently?” Our brains are like computers and when we ask ourselves a question, our brains start humming in the background looking for solutions. One way they do that is to prove we are correct. So, if I ask, “why do I always ruin things,” my brain is going to set off to prove, that indeed I always ruin things and find proof of this to be true. However, if I ask myself, “how can I have more satisfactory relationships,” my brain is going to start to look for answers to that question and out of the blue, ideas and solutions will come to me to help me begin to have better relationships.
In a book by Arielle Ford, “Wabi sari Love: The Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships,” Arielle suggests you become the person you are looking for. I love that idea. Think about the qualities you want in a partner and begin to develop them in yourself. Make a life for yourself that is fulfilling on its own. That might seem harsh, when you feel like your whole life would be better if you had someone to live it with you, but making your happiness depend on being with someone, takes a lot of your personal power and puts it in the hands of someone else, who might not even be in your life right now.
Clinging to a want that is not here really does create suffering. You are sad and lonely, you want to be happy, just start figuring out what makes YOU happy. Sometimes when we are depressed, we feel like, well, there really is nothing in my life that I am passionate about. I really don’t get that much pleasure from doing anything alone. If you are alone right now, it pretty much is your responsibility to figure out how to enjoy life.
You may be thinking, but I’m so depressed right now, and when I’m depressed, I have zero energy and no motivation to do anything. So with that zero energy, just allow your brain to look around the room, out the window and notice how the light is reflecting on things. Look at the way the light reflects on the porch railing top, while the side of the board is quite dark and just let your eyes rest there and notice it. The clouds today really have softened the light on everything and the drizzle of rain rests almost like fog between me and the woods past the yard. Isn’t that curious. So your brain now is in the present moment and you are just noticing things. Mindfulness is a powerful skill to develop when feeling blue.
We can come back to the feelings of loss, and grieve the passing of a wonderful relationship and we can also turn our minds to other thoughts. Happiness really is an inside job. We do have the power to direct our thoughts. With cognitive behavioral therapy, we know we can change how we think and what we do in life, a lot easier than we can snap our fingers and change our mood. It is very simple, just not that easy, but it is doable. Get up off of the couch, or out of the bed and take a walk. If you are too depressed to walk outside, walk around inside your home. Moving is a way to help your brain create the chemicals you need to feel joy again. Start thinking about what you can do now to change the way you feel. Talk to a counselor, who can help you make these changes and begin to move forward in your life.
